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Here is one story retold, albeit with a pithier ending:
No, I'm just fat
What happened: I'd had a couple years of health problems and had gained about 30 lbs. My boyfriend and I were at an outdoor festival on a hot day and he was holding a parasol over me to give me some shade cause I still wasn't feeling very well. We ran into a kind of bitchy acquaintance we hadn't seen in awhile and she said (looking at my stomach), "Wow, he's being so nice to you, are you pregnant?"
What I said: "No, I wish!" Meaning, then at least I'd have a better excuse for the weight I gained (I didn't want to get into the fact that I'd been sick).
What I SHOULD have said: "No, are you?" Because she's not exactly skinny herself!
The French call it l'esprit d'escalier, "the wit of the staircase," those biting ripostes that are thought of just seconds too late, on the way out of the room-or even, to tell the truth, days later. It's happened to you: you've suddenly thought of just what would put your foe in his or her place, but past the time when the arrow could sting its victim. You've stewed in your own juice ever since, and the chance for singeing repartee is gone forever.
Or is it?
Dorothy Parker or Oscar Wilde may have had the rapier wit to tweak their tormentors on the spot, but for the rest of us, we offer the Internet's only L'esprit d'escalier web site!